Hello! Goodness me, I've been busy as a bee, moving cities back to Norwich, weathering minor psychic catastrophes and beavering away on the script for my FIRST EVER solo show. Yes. Like a grotesque bee-beaver hybrid, lying on its flank, its useless wings quivering, a rasp issuing from its misshapen, bucked-toothed maw... kill me... I was not meant to be... That's me.
So yes, rather than come up with some way of wittily paraphrasing it, here's the press spiel:
There’s nothing like seeing your dad have a go at an activity to make it seem embarrassing. It turns out suicide is no exception.
Sacked, dumped, and stuck living back with his parents, failed writer Tim Clare struggled to see the point in carrying on. Eventually, during a 4am drive, his newly spiritual dad staged a dramatic last-ditch bid to shock him out of his misery.
Thus Tim began a quest to lose his cynicism and get happy. But when you’re faced with jeering teens, obnoxious neighbours, all six Rocky movies and a psychic horse, is there anything in this sordid world worth getting happy about?
So far, I'm booked to do four previews of Death Drive at the Brighton Fringe from Saturday 1st May - Tuesday 4th at the Royal Albion Hotel, 35 Old Steine (4-5pm Sat-Sun, 9-10pm Mon-Tues). Tickets are £5 a pop and you can get them here. Then on Sunday May 30th I'll be doing another preview at the Pulse Fringe Festival in Ipswich, at the Sir John Mills Theatre, at 8:30pm. Tickets are £6 and you'll be able to buy them in advance here in a few days, when the full programme goes online. It's an exciting festival with lots of new shows to see on the cheap, so if you're in the area, COME TO MY SHOW AND LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY
I've got more previews coming up in July in Colchester and Norwich, and maybe one or two others - I'll post more nearer the time. In the meantime, if you do know anyone who lives in Brighton and might fancy a fun night out for a fiver, do let them know about my show, eh? I'm a bit nervous and a bit excited, all the clichés, really - also nauseous and aroused. How's that? It'll be a challenge to hold an audience's attention for that long - part of what I love about performance poetry is it challenges you to compress thoughts, jokes and stories down to their shortest possible form, so you're not wasting anyone's time. Death Drive is quite a dramatic story with lots of twists and turns, and it all really happened, so fingers crossed, folks won't find themselves dry retching with tedium 40 minutes in.
Hey folks, check it out - I did a really fun gig a week or so back with Byron Vincent and A F Harrold, based around Poetry and Stand-Up. Before the gig, us and the compere got interviewed - you can listen to the interviews online here. I think the interviewer, Julia, asks some really insightful questions, and Byron, A F and Dr Kevin McCarron (who has some awesome ideas) all give great, articulate answers. If you're interested in stand-up or poetry or both, I'm sure you'll find it a rewarding listen.
Readers of this blog will know that a fair proportion of my life's work is devoted to promoting the creative output of the writer John Osborne. He has just done a new youtube video, for a poem I like called 'I Think Pat Sharp Is Lonely'. Here it is:
Today is MAR10 Day, apparently. I was going to have mushroom pasta for tea to celebrate, but I seem to have contracted a stomach bug and, well... I'll be uncharacteristically coy about the details but suffice to say I don't feel much like tucking in to a hearty, cheese-slathered meal. This is the first time since the beginning of my Lenten video games fast that I've seriously considered giving in and playing something, if only so my DS could accompany me on my frequent trips to the toilet.
Deep in my heart, however, I know that spending 6 hours sitting at my PC playing Civ 3 will leave me feeling sad and defeated, not because I'd failed to quit video games for Lent, but because at the end, I won't have achieved anything. I do love video games, and, in fact, I'd genuinely credit the Civilisation series for significantly improving my historical knowledge in areas such as military history, scientific discoveries and political history, but that addictive feeling of 'just one more go' can eat up hours and hours of your life. But unlike TV, most sophisticated video games make you feel as if you're actually progressing and achieving something, and afterwards there's this horrible downer as you remember that your trans-continental fascist empire, your 3598 bottle caps earned, your levelled-up paladin or your 'Silent Assassin' achievement unlocked don't mean shit in the real world.
Okay, right. That's my bowels calling. Off to the bathroom again. Ta ta.
Apologies for the spotty updates so far this 2010 - I'm hella busy with lots of pseudo-exciting stuff that may or may not come to fruition, and some of that will involve my posting sporadically worthwhile things on this here blog for your perusal. I do enjoy having a meagre platform for my first drafts and half-formed opinions like terrible irradiated embryos hacked from their dead mothers' swollen bellies.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that last week I went to see the latest solo shows by my dear chums Luke Wright and Ross Sutherland, during their run at the Old Red Lion Theatre (nearest tube Angel), which continues until the end of this month. Luke's is called The Petty Concerns Of Luke Wright and Ross's is called The Three Stigmata Of Pac-Man.
Obviously I'm not a very credible advocate of their work, because, as I've made clear, they're good mates of mine. HOWEVER, if I'd thought the shows were crap I simply wouldn't have mentioned them. I actually reckon that they're brilliant. You should go and watch them and see two experienced young poets operating at the height of their powers. They've had several splendid reviews, and a bit in The Independent, and, you know, if you're in London you should do something different and interesting with one of your weeknights and take a friend along who's never seen performance poetry before. The shows are funny and witty and not so long you'll get bumache, and you'll have a new thing to have an opinion about and you'll feel all cultured and arty when you talk to friends for the next couple of weeks.
Anyway, look, you can make your own mind up by watching these clips from their shows. I hope you enjoy:
Hey you. Nice to see you again. You're looking well. Have you had a haircut? Sure? Well your hair looks great today, then. You're welcome.
I had a pretty Kinder Bueno 2009, all told. My first (maybe only!) book came out, I got to do gigs with Vic Reeves, Jon Ronson and Tim Key, I tried my hand at stand-up, and I made some new friends. So come on 2010, how are you going to beat that?
Well, it looks like I'm going to be taking my first ever solo show to the Edinburgh Fringe in August. I'm working on it at the moment, and my main goal is to make it not crap. Having written material for four live shows in the past two years, I know only too well that I'm capable of lurching between rather entertaining and drab sniper bait, so I'm kind of counting on lots of trial runs and useful feedback between now and then. If you were to ask me what kind of show I'd like to go see at the Fringe (well, clearly even if you weren't I'd still volunteer the information unsolicited) I'd say something funny and interesting that made me think. That's the kind of show I'm trying to write.
It's weird though - the moment you start putting stuff down on paper, all these possibilities start closing themselves off to you. I think, as a writer, my biggest enemy is lack of focus. My ideas fly about like shiny bits of paper in the Crystal Dome at the end of the Crystal Maze, and I get sort of dazzled and mesmerised by them and can't decide which to grab for. I think probably the piece of live writing I'm most pleased with so far is my 'How To Save Your Girlfriend' bit for Infinite Lives. Although, in the linked video, it was my first run-through and so my performance is not the greatest, once I had it down I really enjoyed delivering it. It allows me to talk about some obscure shit that I secretly care about, like the opening part of Wardner, or Dynamite Dux on the Master System, but by making relationships the nominal subject of the talk, it's accessible to people who are usually bored to within a merry inch of their lives by banter about video games. I love video games, and getting people to laugh at random stuff I'd privately laughed at before felt really good.
It's very unlikely my first show will use a screen. Though I'm a fan of the Aisle16 comedy microlecture format, and it's hugely useful to be able to illustrate a point or chuck in cool, colourful pictures, unless you need it for every section, it splits attention across a whole extra medium. Plus, I'm a bit concerned that I'll end up writing in that ironic faux-lecturer voice, whereas I'm trying to work towards the 'Hey, I'm just a regular folksy dude telling you the story of what happened to me' voice (though just as grounded in artifice) that typifies things like The Moth. Also, it's just much easier to find places to practise bits of a screenless show in front of a live audience, whereas if I use a screen I've pretty much got a coupla previews, then I'm doing it.
I don't know. Like I say, as soon as you start chowing down on one meadow, the grass o'er yonder starts to look increasingly verdant. Like ectoplasmically so. We're talking Slimer or some shit. That's why it's good I've left myself with plenty of time to pull a 180 if I decide I need to try a different route, like 'git with clicker'.
Anyway, onwards with scriptwriting. In the meantime, you should really go check out Cat And Girl. It's so witty it annoys and depresses me. The internet is renowned as a world-trumping cretin nexus, yet it's full of people much smarter than me.
So it's nice to see my old chum and fellow Aisle16er Luke Wright has been back blogging after a long period of sporadic comms. In my continuing efforts to bore the tits off of all my readers equally (my video game posts have a consistent knack for making at least 50% of eyes glaze over) I'm going to write a tiny bit in response to a point he raised around managers involved in live literature administration. Grab the popcorn.
Basically, in his blog post, Luke talks about the distinction between recruiting managers from experts in that particular field, versus recruiting managers from managerial positions in other fields, and how that applies to live literature (a term I fucking hate - eugh bleugh ptooie! (and I'm not much fond of the moribund 'spoken word' either)). In his own words: 'Now there’s more money about (though not for long with the recession looming) the powers that be have had two main options on how to grow the industry: a) use the existing artists and producers who know the scene and have creative vision; b) bring in proven arts managers from other industries to apply their knowledge of fund raising and management to live literature.'
Although he's conspicuously evenhanded and tentative in his overall appraisal - probably a wise move given that his ability to make a living partially depends on the good will of people working in this area - Luke seems to come down slightly on the side of using 'existing artists and producers', whilst acknowledging the value of having an experienced, talented manager with strong fundraising skills.
It's a tricky one. On the one hand, if you take on an active performance poet, there's a potential conflict of interest. Lucrative opportunities are few and far between in live poetry, and there's a real danger that, instead of spreading the word throughout the region and empowering as many poets as possible, they'll just take the best opportunities for themselves and for their performance buddies. From the outside, a poet booking their 'contacts' for gigs and workshops, and signing them up for support schemes, looks a hell of a lot like cronyism. For a poet, taking on an arts admin role is a great way to plug the holes in your finances while securing yourself a prime seat at the trough.
On the other hand, if you're a poet, it can sometimes be hard not to feel bewildered and frustrated when people who watch approximately a tenth of the live poetry you do, and who rarely, if ever, attend any events except the ones they organise, are the ones taking big decisions on the direction of the medium in the UK for the next five years, with very little apparent consultation. Working with different organisations across the country, rather than seeing a unified strategy and a genuine sense of cohesion and progression, it can feel like you're watching a hundred little showponies getting brushed and groomed then sent trotting out to market, all with owners hoping to earn kudos for having raised the brightest and the best. It can feel more about promoting an organisation and showing off how much clout it has, than about getting better live poetry to more people, and providing value to the taxpayers who are often bankrolling most of it.
Of course, these two extremes are both strawmen that don't paint a very accurate picture. We're a nation of armchair football managers and music critics, and I, like so many others, like to lounge on the sofa, yelling at my telly about how I could do a better job, despite the fact I can't kick straight or hold a note. All I'm trying to get at is that both options come with their potential problems, and neither one trumps the other. I don't think oodles of grassroots experience nor a robust background in managerial roles are game-changers.
Nobody working in the Arts - as far as I know - has ever been given a no-strings-attached metric fuckload of money with the instruction 'go and make live poetry better, however you personally choose to interpret "better"'. An Arts organisation's first priority is to secure funding to allow itself to continue to exist, otherwise it has no way of achieving any of its subsidiary aims, just as the priority of any government operating in a democracy is to remain in power, otherwise it can't affect change. While it's usually all in the service of exciting, interesting projects, there's no way you can make replying to emails, checking spreadsheets and drafting press releases as fun as standing on stage, getting whoops and laughter and applause from a crowd. Doing the boring stuff well takes skill, maturity and dedication.
Of course, with the benefit of hindsight, and without knowing the competing pressures and priorities facing people, it's easy for me to pick holes in people's decisions. I'm not sure that's very fair of me and it's not a habit I admire, but I suspect we're all a little guilty of different forms of this from time to time.
However, there was one phrase in Luke's post I'd like to pick up on - not in how it relates to any of his personal views, but in how it tends to get bandied around and vaunted across Arts organisations. Luke talks about this notion of getting people onboard who 'have creative vision'. Personally, I believe that sometimes the disproportionate value placed on so-called 'creative vision' and strong personalities rolling out big, bold projects and proposals, overrides other important qualities like, y'know, listening. You don't need to be a gigging performance poet yourself to work in an organisation that aims to improve and promote the medium, but you do need to be willing to engage in an honest, respectful and sustained dialogue with a wide spread of people who do, not just in this country but across the world. There is a wealth of knowledge out there, distributed amongst hundreds of enthusiastic pro-am experts, and it seems not just foolish, but willfully arrogant not to attempt to draw upon it. That doesn't just mean accepting criticism and sending out the standard survey asking 'How could we do this project better next time?' after you've pissed away 50 grand on some ill-conceived vanity-wank - it means asking a decent spread of relevant people before you've squandered the time and money, to see if what you're doing is actually what the people you're supposedly doing it for want.
I suppose what I'm saying is that, as a performance poet who has notched up over 100 gigs in the last twelve months, I'd like to think that those involved in organising events, initiatives and projects relating to live poetry would see people like me as an important free resource of information and opinions. And I'm not using 'people like me' as a euphemism for 'harrumph, why don't people beg me for the chance to listen to my divine wisdom?' (although I like feeling important as much as the next petty, insecure egotist) - you can only get a true picture by consulting a range of people from across lots of different nights. Indeed, probably even more useful than getting the poets' views would be directly engaging with audiences and listening to their feedback, and, even better, getting into dialogue with people who don't go to spoken events but maybe attend events in stand-up, music and theatre, to see if we can start to think about strategies for showcasing the best live poets to a wider appreciative audience. By the same token, a lot of people who perform live poetry, myself especially included, could do with asking advice from those with experience in larger organisations, then listening to and acting on the responses we get.
So basically, I reckon one of the most important qualities a high-level manager in Arts administration can have is an open mind and a willingness to listen. Whether they're an ex-poet, a promoter or someone with management experience in a related area, it doesn't really matter, as long they're not an arrogant asshole who thinks they know it all. (like me) Indeed, I suspect we could use some new blood from different disciplines, coming in to suggest ways to improve. At the moment, live poetry is an obscure cultural curiosity on a par with beekeeping. It deserves so much better.
I should also point out here that I have met plenty of people within Arts administration who clearly devote an awful lot of time to listening to others, and who are incredibly conscientious and hard working. (I'm sure there are people reading this now thinking what? I spend my whole life in fucking meetings! Listening is all I fucking do!) It must be really difficult trying to synthesise lots of different people's opinions on a subject, all of whom have competing agendas, and many of whom, I'm sure, must come across as shambling simpletons. Also, I realise that the whole 'big project launch, big creative vision' way of doing things is, in part, a result of how organisations have to go about securing funding. 'Listening' sounds a bit woolly, unless you launch it as a 'big listening project' or just pitch another dreadful networking event (which tend to be weirdly uninclusive, closed shops). And, of course, at some stage somebody's got to cut through all the bullshit and actually make the decisions. Only hippies throw everything out to a vote, and look where that got them - crusted in their own filth, huddling round shards of green calcite for warmth. (and before someone chimes in with 'well you're just betraying your ignorance there, Tim - green calcite is actually for reducing anxiety' THEY'RE USELESS CHUNKS OF ROCK YOU GORMLESS LUDDITES)
I'll close with a quote from Shunryu Suzuki, to lend a spurious air of Zennish wisdom to my latest incoherent, axe-grindy blather. Suzuki famously wrote about cultivating a quality he called 'beginner's mind', once stating (perhaps a little mischievously) that the essence of Zen was 'not always so'. As he put it: 'In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.'
This Thursday 17th December, I'll be performing with all seven members of Aisle16 at The Monto Water Rats Theatre, on Grays Inn Road. It's exceptionally rare that all of us are in the same place to do a gig, aside from the late night 'Aisle16 and Friends' sessions at Latitude festival.
A good portion of the show will be given over to our two- and three-man poems, which are always roistering fun. I know you'd expect me to say that - I'm hardly credible as a neutral advocate of Aisle16's live oeuvre - so, if you disbelieve me, check out Spoonfed's review of our appearance at Wave If You're Really There #5 with Wave Machines: 'fast-paced, cuttingly clever and ferociously funny performance poetry... performed with such vigour, to a crowd so completely engaged, that it is a joy to behold (and, yes, very clever too).' That's nice!
So yeah, doors are at 7:30pm, the nearest tube is Kings X - come down, and we'll do our best to give you a show to remember!
I wonder how this chap would feel if he knew that, within the latest versions of Pokémon, they have their own church you can visit, laid out like a conventional Christian church, where people worship the Earth and Pokémon. No joke. Plus there are Ghost Pokémon who are literally the resurrected ghosts of dead Pokémon, now under your control. Anyway, I have 434 different Pokémon in my Pokédex now, so I'm probably beyond saving. Here's a little snippet from our scratch performance of Infinite Lives, with me ranting, despot-style, about Pokémon:
So yesterday I attempted to write 100 poems in a day - and succeeded! Boom.
It was a weird experience. The night before, I'd done my classic thing of feeling nervous and excited ahead of a big day, so I stayed up until 4am playing a Japanese RPG and reading Ted Hughes' Crow (which I reasoned might give me some inspiration by osmosis). A few hours later, my alarm went off at 8:25. I put it on snooze, and ended up getting out of bed at 8:35, just enough time for me to pop across to Tesco.
Outside it was one of those cold, bright days that make Winter great, except I was knackered from lack of sleep; I hallucinated someone calling my name, and it felt like all the pedestrians were part of some intricately choreographed performance for which I'd missed the dress rehearsal. At the supermarket, I dismissed food that required cooking time as too complicated - my schedule didn't allow for extended culinary activities - and instead bought a packet of crisps, three half-litre cans of energy drink, a bag of peanuts and a Kinder Bueno. When I got back, I made myself a bowl of All-Bran, (the most complicated food preparation I had time for all day) printed out the list of suggested titles so far, then sat down at my laptop with all of three minutes to spare, just enough time to log in to my blog and Twitter, before typing my first title into Twitter and getting started.
Originally, I'd planned to be clocking off by 11pm, but I thought it'd be sensible leaving the extra hour until midnight as a contingency period. 15 hours is 900 minutes, meaning I'd have an average of 9 minutes to write each poem. That is, 9 minutes, assuming no eating, toilet breaks, or doing anything a normal human being would do. I hadn't really thought about the practical limitations of what I was getting into. No, don't worry, I didn't just sit there and wet myself. Catheter.
No, obviously I got up for loo breaks, and to stretch my legs, which ate into my overall time. Thanks to a sneaky tip off, BBC Radio Cambridge got wind of what I was doing and phoned in the morning to ask if they could give me a title suggestion then speak to me in late afternoon. By the time I went on air, I was delirious from caffeine and still less than half the way through the hundred poems, which made me feel a little fraudulent, but the fear of failure was a good boost.
If you look across the day, despite any mounting feelings of failure, in terms of delivery schedule I was boringly consistent. The first poem appears at 9:00am, and, at 16:43, poem number 50 comes almost exactly at the midpoint of my attempt, with the final poem landing at 23:30. While I was writing, however, my brain was too frazzled to do even simple maths, so I remained convinced throughout that I was considerably behind and destined for an ignominious crash and burn scenario.
And so, to the poems themselves. I realise it would usually be rather crass and self-regarding to do critiques on one's own work, but a) I've already proven myself to be rather crass and self-regarding by attempting this cheap stunt and b) kind of the point of this whole thing was to get myself and others thinking about some of the mechanisms behind writing a poem.
I had more than 100 suggestions for poem titles, and I received a whole bunch more via Facebook, Twitter and by text over the day, so I had a certain amount of latitude to pick and choose what I was going to do next, balanced out by the need to get on to the next poem and not waste time deciding. Looking at the poems as a whole, even when there are a few good lines, what tends to suffer the most from the speed poetry process are the endings. The poems either finish abruptly, having made no discernable point, or they go for some try-hard punchline in an attempt to justify their existence. I think Fuck Denmark is a good example of this - a couple of nice images around the middle, in my humble opinion, then right at the end I obviously thought 'shit! I have to tie the two concepts together!' and finished with two rubbish lines which have all the subtlety of Jeremy Clarkson.
Thinking about it, endings are usually quite hard in performance poetry too. How many performance poems can you think of with great endings? (off the top of my head, the two I've come up with are both by John Cooper Clarke) Now how many can you think of with weak or indifferent endings? For me, it's a lot, lot more. If you know any great endings in page or stage poems, please forward me your suggestions. I'd like to do a whole blog entry on the thorny problem of concluding a poem, and different ways poets have approached it (successfully or otherwise).
One little accident I quite enjoyed was the spontaneous appearance of a couple of poetry sequences. Death and otters seem to be the two key themes in the work of Tim Clare. I'm pretty pleased with that. But overall, it was interesting how I found myself returning to characters as the day went on, and building up a little story.
Here's the 'My Affair With Death' sequence, in order:
So, did I produce anything I actually like? Well, yes, but I think the ones I'm fond of are the rather silly, fatuous ones. I guess I have a soft spot when it comes to stupid for stupid's sake. Oh well. I quite like:
And that's me. If anybody who had a go at one of the titles fancies emailing me the poem they wrote, I'll stick it up on the blog as a bonus track.
All in all, I enjoyed the experience, although I reckon it's the kind of thing I couldn't do more than once a year. I'd recommend it to any other poets who fancy stretching themselves or trying something a bit fun and different - failure's built into the mechanics of it, it's expected, so the only pressure comes from wanting to get through the full ton.
It'd be nice to extend the life of the project, though, maybe by handing it on to a new poet, and so on, getting a series of people to attempt the same thing, and seeing the different ways they try to put poems together. If it sounds like something you'd like to have a go at, drop me a line at my email (in the sidebar of this blog) - not because I get to personally sanction all attempts at writing 100 poems in a day, but just because it'd be nifty to stick all versions up on the same blog. Just a thought, anyway.
Um, thanks to everyone who made suggestions for poetry titles. Sorry I couldn't get through them all. The only genuinely brilliant thing about yesterday, creatively-speaking, was the titles, which I'm sure you'll agree are awesome and inventive and make fun reading in themselves. I'm sorry if I used one of your suggested titles and made an absolute hash of it - I hope, if you've not been inspired, then sheer irritation will push you into working on some pieces of your own. You cultureless bastards.
The day of judgement is upon us - tomorrow I attempt to write 100 poems in a day You'll be able to check my progress on the blog and on my Twitterfeed, and join in if you want to. Err... cheers to all the people who've sent me poem titles or generally said 'Jesus... good luck!'
There's a good chance my internet connection may go a bit spotty on a couple of occasions over the course of tomorrow - I've got mobile broadband and although it's pretty reliable if I stay in the same place, occasionally it drops out for a few minutes. If that's the case, I'll switch to writing in a Word file rather than direct into the blog, then copypaste them back into the blog as soon as the signal kicks back in. If you want to join in, just look at my Twitter page or the Twitter gadget on the side of either blog to see what the latest poem title is, then give yourself a strict 10 mins to bash out a poem with that title. Don't worry if it turns out okay or not - if you don't mind other people seeing it, please email it to me at joshureplied[at]yahoo[dot]co[dot]uk and I'll put it up on the blog afterwards. Obviously if the idea of having your rough first draft workings exposed makes every part of you cringe like a prodded anemone then I'd rather you had a go in secret than didn't try at all!
Speed poetry is weird for a number of reasons, not least because, for most poets, the title's the thing that comes last. Often it's a bit of an afterthought - something unobtrusive, like a single word, or the first line repeated. A lot of the time now, when I'm onstage I don't give my performance poems titles at all.
This week I've been reading Logan Murray's Teach Yourself Stand Up Comedyand really enjoying it. He manages to be positive and practical at the same time, and there's lots of specific, robust technical advice on stagecraft and developing a set. Surprisingly though, I found that a lot of his advice could be equally well applied to writing and performing poetry - humorous or otherwise. I very much recommend you read it.
I think, in particular, some of his ideas about deciding on an 'attitude', then channelling material through that attitude may prove really useful to anyone attempting speed poems tomorrow. For the most part, if, once you've read the title, you can answer the question 'who is (in my imagination) writing this poem, and what do they think about the subject matter?' then a lot of the words end up writing themselves. If you can quickly choose a specific voice (note - specificity is key: 'mortally wounded pizza delivery boy gasping onto someone's answering machine through his mobile' is much better than 'dying guy') then have that implicit character respond to the title, you filter out a lot of distracting possibilities and get to work within fairly manageable parameters. Not all poems are monologues, obviously, but by faking up an attitude towards the subject matter, even if it's just 'deep, abiding loathing' or 'sexual arousal' is more likely to produce something interesting than just attempting to fit the words from the title into a series of unrelated sentences.
The other main guideline is just switch the censor off and go for it. When I've done speed poems previously I've often later discovered - to my considerable dismay - that in my rush to get words on the page I've ended up unconsciously plagiarising other poets, and plagiarising them cack-handedly at that. You don't have much time to look up the meanings of words, so I often find my poems are littered with awkward malapropisms. I often paint myself into corners and have no idea how to finish the poem.
It doesn't matter. Better to plunge into the poem with no real idea of how it's going to end than to sit there for 8 minutes growing ever more nervous and ashamed at the blank page. Every so often, something surprising, pleasing, and exciting comes out of it - something I'd never have known about if I'd spent those 8 minutes making a sandwich or watching a youtube video. If you have a go, I hope you get that experience at least once. But I hope I get it lots more than you. Heh.
So anyway, I'll do the last of my prep stuff now, collating the list of suggested titles, then I'll try to get a little sleep. Fingers crossed. See you tomorrow...
So, the 100 Poems In A Day Project has an official blog! Also, an official kickoff time. 9am, this Thursday. Aww crap. I'm actually going to have to do it now.
Will you join me? You know, if anyone has ideas for poem titles on the day itself, do suggest them, and I guess I'll work a few into this big, silly quest. If you fancy writing along with me, please do. Between us, I hope we'll write a whole bunch of not-terribly-good poems, and thoroughly grease up our creative cogworks in the process. Hopefully before I start I'll find time to blog a few tips on how to approach writing a poem in ten minutes or less. I've got to give a little time over to planning out my strategy, elseways the ton may get the better of me.
You'll be able to follow me on Twitter, and read the poems as I write them up on the 100 Poems In A Day Project blog. In the meantime, I'm going to devote myself to a bit of prep work - reading other people's stuff, and absorbing as much inspiration as I can. Heh heh. It's going to be fun, I reckon!
This wasn't a speed poem. I took a while over it and have no excuses other than a dearth of craft.
The Wall
The men are building a wall.
On top of the wall is a large cobalt blue radio With armoured sides and black rubber Shock absorbers, Singing Like a hornet trapped In an ear trumpet. It is built for being Humpty Dumptied By a raconteur labourer’s careless fish-boast gesture. When it hits the pavement, it will bounce.
These men do not care. They are blasé to the point of nihilism. One keeps a live timebomb as a mantleclock. One watches Sorry on DVD. They are clock-faced from gravity And the Soviet bread-queue of beer cans Upending into their water clock throats.
The one sat at the top of the stepladder (he is working on the wall) Throws a wet chunk of apple To an Irish wolfhound with a dry nose. The wolfhound rises from its spot on a cement path And hungrily devours the morsel out of midair, Like a peacock gulping down lead shot. The wolfhound’s name is Gary.
‘I would love to visit Rio,’ Says the one on the stepladder, ‘And see that big Jesus statue, you know.’ He spreads his arms, Knocking the radio off the wall. ‘I will go there When we finish the wall.’
‘When we finish the wall,’ Says the one eating a ham bun, ‘I will march through my front door And announce to my big fat wife That I love her.’ He throws a strip of ham to Gary. ‘And I will mean it This time.’
‘I come back every night With a hammer,’ Says the quiet one, ‘And knock out bricks like Important words in a telegram,’ But nobody hears.
I've already received a whole bunch of awesome suggested poem titles for the 100 Poems In A Day Project. There's a great variety of facetious, serious, abstract and specific lines there for me - and everyone else who decides to join in - to work from. Thanks peeps! Please keep them coming!
So, since I haven't written any speed poems for a while, I've realised I probably need to do a bit of warming up. Over the next few days or so, I plan to do a post or two on poem technique and strategy, specifically when it comes to speed poems. I don't claim to be an expert - my main reason for doing posts on the subject is to organise my own thoughts in preparation. I wonder if speed poetry is the closest written verse gets to improv, and so I expect I'll be looking at whether any moves from improv or comedy work when transferred to writing poems quickly. Hopefully, I'll be able to come up with a few tips that may prove useful if you decide you'd like to join me on my lengthy, many would say pointless, task. I'll also confirm that all-important date.
Writing speed poems also resembles doing a series of micro-commissions. I'm not very fond of commissioned poetry - it's hard enough writing about something when you're really interested in it and feel you have some original, considered take on it, let alone when it's something random chosen by someone else - but it may be a form you get better at with practice.
Anyway, tonight I decided to start feeling out the territory, and wrote three speed poems with my flatmate - one of us picked a line out of a book, then we had 10 minutes to write the corresponding poem. I'd forgotten how grim it feels when, six or seven lines in, you realise the poem isn't going to work. I reckon one of the key skills to develop in writing speed poetry, is spending thirty seconds to a minute at the start, working out your tactics, and the broad shape of your take on the subject. Figure out a serviceable conceit, and writing the content is relatively straightforward. Plunge straight into your first few lines without knowing where you're going, and you'll find yourself rapidly buggered.
So, in any case, here are my first three practice laps. Feel free to take one of the titles and have a try yourself. I have a looong way to go:
Italians Are Still Into That
All the pigeon shit that gives Garibaldi a Tippex toupee while a maths teacher leaves the gelateria licking a passion fruit cornet and some semi-pro rower with triceps like stirrups and deltoids like a smooth new saddle single-skulls east down the fishbelly green Arno; in this funereal heat the bins stink to high horizons wobble with heat warp, even the lizards can't be bothered, and Garibaldi's black statue thrums like an old stove like a low note or a pizza stone and, apparently, the Italians are still into that. A Short Time Ago, A Tramp Came To Our Door
Now he is telling us an elaborate story involving inventing a new type of washing-up liquid. I know he's lying but I can't bear to send him away because I want to hear how it ends.
I think he may be winging it. Beneath his grey felt hat his good eye has begun to tick as he fumbles for details.
Awkwardness blooms like gunshot blood as he founders around the part where his research partner double-crossed him. 'I thought you said his name was Alan,' I interrupt, 'stop, stop.' I rearrange his collar, brush Monster Munch crumbs off his tie.
One Might Expect These Scenes To Be Tedious
Dorothy doesn't feel like going out to The Lamb tonight because she's tired after a bad day on front desk and Oliver doesn't know how he can be expected to have sex with her when she won't watch Shawshank Redemption and all her clothes smell of rusks.
What if the TV jawed open like a treasure chest, exposing a golden airplane yoke, or alien controls like an insect's complicated mouthparts? What if the lawn became a firelake and we had to pilot the house away from the apocalypse? he says.
I was chatting to poet, author and magma-arteried destroyer of worlds John Osborne this weekend, when he mentioned discovering that a poet we both knew had never heard of speed poems.
Well, here's a pathetically small potential controversy to rock my friends and the poetry world at large - up until a few minutes ago, I believed that I had invented speed poetry. When, back in uni, me and about a dozen other members of the UEA Creative Writing Society headed off to Herefordshire for a week long writing retreat, we wanted an exercise to do as a group. (I know, I know - my uni days were fookin mental) As a nerd I have had many incarnations - all of which, if I'm candid, I only feign shame over - one of which was a tabletop gaming nerd, and I remembered how, at the annual Games Workshop convention Golden Demon, the organisers tried to really get pulses racing by having a screamin' hot SPEED PAINTING COMPETITION, where contestants had to paint a lead model in an hour, and the best won. An hour seemed a bit long for a writing exercise, so I suggested we pick a word, all write a poem in ten minutes using that word, then read them out. That was my understanding of how speed poetry was born.
Two qualifiers: one, I may have misremembered. I'm pretty sure several of my friends would say that it just sort of bubbled up out of the memepool as a communal idea that we all sort of cottoned onto at the same time. Two, having Googled 'speed poetry', I've discovered - without, to be honest, much surprise - that many people have been writing various species of speed poetry for years. To be clear, I'm not claiming to have invented the concept - just that I was there when it appeared in my friendship group. It's not a particularly outlandish concept after all - bordering on obvious, in fact - so I'm more surprised when I encounter poets who've never heard of it.
In the years since then, me and a whole bunch of my writing friends have regularly got together for tea and speed poetry sessions. I reckon it works best with a group of four, although you can do it on your own if you like, or even with a dozen writers. Similarly, you can impose any arbitrary time limit, but we almost always go for ten minutes.
The way it works is: one person flicks through a book, a magazine, an instruction manual - anything with text - and picks out a few words or a phrase. Everyone writes it down as their title, the clock starts, and they have ten minutes to write a corresponding poem. At the end of the ten minutes, everybody reads out the poem they've written. Then you someone picks another phrase, and you start again. Ideally, you do a run of five poems, which comprises a good hour or so of reading and writing.
It's the reading out part that makes a lot of people squeamish. They imagine - for the most part, correctly - that the poems they produce will be crap. What's the point in doing a writing exercise that produces bad poetry almost by design? And why would you want to share that with others?
For me, writing speed poetry does a bunch of things. When I started out, I found the first few poems I wrote tended heavily towards parody. They were these mock highbrow pieces, usually closing with a line about someone farting, to break the mood. I quickly realised I was using (not terribly funny) humour as a defence - a way of letting my fellow writers know that I hadn't taken the exercise seriously or really tried my fullest, so they couldn't judge me on the quality of the poem. At the same time, I got to hear several of my peers faced with the same title, mostly producing poor poetry, but occasionally coming up with a great turn of phrase, or a strange, arresting opening, or a sudden vivid image amongst a load of turgid waffle. Hearing a range of interpretations of the same spur material, but also realising that they were writing bad poetry and the world hadn't ended, encouraged me to move away from piss-take poems, and to actually try to be good.
My first few poems after this shift were much worse. I had no idea what I was doing. With the sense of urgency created by the timer, I tried to bluff my way through, picking words I thought sounded like they belonged in a poem, constructing these vague, obfuscatory word parades that I hoped might seem artsy in that whole impressively recondite, emperor's new clothesish way. I'd always struggled to enjoy poetry, and had assumed that this pointed to a failure of intellect on my part, rather than any defect in the pieces I'd read.
But it never mattered that my poems were shit. Nobody cared. We'd read our attempts out, then move on to the next round. Each speed poetry session, I might hear between three and twenty new poems read out to me by their authors. Each one gave me hints on different ways of approaching the same subject matter or interpreting the same phrase - oh yes, I'd think, a poem can sound like found dialogue, or it can be like a little third-person short story with line breaks, or it can have a chorus like a song, or repeated lines, or take all its similes from a particular lexical field, or be presented as instructions, or just be a list of stuff, or be an open letter to somebody, or be in praise of something, or adopt the style of another type of text like a newspaper report. Slowly, I was building up a repetoire of options for when I got the next title. Often, I'd find myself semi-consciously plagiarising poems from the previous rounds, bastardising metaphors or techniques in an attempt to expand my range.
Doing speed poetry regularly helps abolish a fear of blank pages. You learn to just roll your fucking sleeves up and have a bash. You experiment, you try out lines, you muck about, you learn by doing. Weeks later, it's sometimes worthwhile to go through old sessions and see if there are any lines worth saving. If so, you can underline them, or even transfer them to a fresh page, ready to be used in worthy (i.e. non-crap) poems later on. Old speed poems certainly work great as sources of inspiration when you're stuck with writers' block - a sort of scrapheap of battered ends and odds you can traipse through, looking for promising salvage.
Another useful side-effect of speed poetry is that it gives you hints about poems you want to write, but don't realise yet. Sometimes, looking back over a session, you see a theme over several poems, despite their different titles, or you notice a stanza that doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Often, this is a result of your butting your head against the arbitrary constraints imposed by the task, and these little bids for creative freedom can give you great pointers on what sort of pieces you might want to attempt 'properly' - that is, with more than ten minutes to spare.
One final positive thing about writing speed poetry is that it's fun. I know it's a gut-clasping cliché, but writing can be a lonely business, and having friends by your side as you claw ineffectually at the literary coalface makes the whole process slightly more bearable.
In any case, all of that is just a preface to what I wanted to say, which is that I've become a bit prissy about my writing of late, working on these big, unwieldy performance poems that sit around as ideas for months and months, then take me days to write, and weeks to learn, before I finally take them to an audience. I haven't kept a notebook for ages, and I never do writing exercises anymore. I find myself thinking that if I can't do a project perfectly, I'm better off abandoning it.
So I want to put that right. I accept I can't necessarily change my habits forever, but I'd like to go back to doing a bit of the old donkey work, you know, punching in, churning out crap, putting the creative machinery through its paces and limbering up so when an idea next strikes, I'll be firing on all cylinders and will be able to exploit it to its fullest advantage.
Anyway, I was thinking about speed poems, and I was wondering about doing a really long session, then I wondered about how long you could keep it going for, then I thought: a hundred? Could you really do a hundred in a day?
Well, the maths supports me. You don't have to spend 10 minutes on a speed poem. We've done 5 minute sessions, even a series of 1 minute speed poem sessions (which are kind of thrilling and terrifying, as far as writing poems goes - you've got no choice but to just stream text unedited from your brain to the pen). If someone started at 9am and kept going until 11pm, some 14 hours later, that gives a good 840 minutes for writing speed poems. Now, granted, if you took 10 minutes for each, that'd only be 84 (assuming no wee or food breaks, or technical malfunctions), but notch the time frame down to 8 minutes and you get 100 poems, plus a whole 5 minutes for pissing! By my reckoning, if you were to chuck in a few 1 minute poems and a few 5 minute ones, writing 100 poems in a day would be doable.
So, I'm going to.
I'm sure it's been done before. I'm not doing it out of any claim of it being an amazing technical feat or anything, just for the reasons above. It'll only take a day, it'll be an interesting writing experiment, and it'll force me to try to write 100 discrete creative pieces on the trot.
But I need titles.
So what I thought is this: readers of the Cone O' Tragedy, could you help a poet out and suggest some titles for poems I could write over my 100 Poem Day? As many as you like. Go nuts. They can be facetious or deadly serious, found text or quotations or even titles from your own work. I just need lots. You can post them as a comment on this blog, or email me at the address in the sidebar, or message me on Facebook. Whatever, I don't mind.
What I'm thinking is that, on the day (which might even be next week, depending on workload), I'll have all the titles in a Word file, and I'll work through them one at a time, writing a speed poem, then posting it online once I'm done, either up on this blog, or at a special 100 Poems In A Day Project blog that I'll link to from here.
And since one of my favourite things about speed poetry is the group aspect of it, I thought that I'd post each of the titles up on Twitter (yes, I've cracked... I'm officially an uncool late-adopter) as I'm about to write it, so anyone who wants to join in with a couple themselves can write along with me. You never know, it might get the old creative juices sluicing from your nostrils once more, and I daresay I'll post any alternate versions of poems written by other participants up on the blog afterwards.
Uh, one rule I've set myself though. Despite the involvement of Twitter, these won't be Twitter poems. Although some may be very short, all of them must be longer than 140 characters to qualify! Otherwise I'm basically setting myself the challenge of writing 100 text messages in a day, which seems rather less worthwhile.
Probably every poem I write will be total crap. I am sure the majority will be. But there may be some nice flourishes in there. Who knows? Maybe the range of titles will trigger an unexpected gem. Unlikely. However, I think it may be an interesting adventure into the grimy nuts and bolts of how a person goes about writing a poem. It may also play out like a slow exploded breakdown conducted over the internet. If everyone suggests titles relating to dog penises, maybe it will be the rather sad spectacle of someone writing 100 dreadful poems about canine genitalia. We can only speculate and pray to our respective gods for guidance.
So what do you think? Good idea? Bollocks idea? And if you'd like to see me take a run at it, please start suggesting titles! A whole bunch of titles each would be good! Hopefully some of you will even have a go at writing a few poems with me on the fateful day. Hmm. Is this wise? Oh psshaw! I toss it to the winds of fate. Start the fans please!
Hey, hey, hey, if you tune into to Radio 4 this Thursday, 19th November, at 11:30am, you'll be able to hear a show about the Oulipo, where they chat to me and my fellow Aisle16ersRoss Sutherland and Joe Dunthorne about our Oulipo-inspired poems and our show about our attempt to infiltrate the Oulipo, Found In Translation.
For those of you who don't know, the Oulipo are a French experimental literature movement who played with imposing arbitrary constraints on language (like writing an entire novel without using the letter 'e', for example) as a way of breaking out of old habits and encouraging creativity. On discovering their work and techniques, we felt as if we were learning a whole new language. And, like anyone learning a new language, the first thing we wanted to do was be as rude as possible. 'Slap a gran's damp and tangy flaps!' we hollered, straining with mirth at our uncommon verve and ingenuity.
The show is apparently Radio 4's 'Podcast of the Week', so you should be able to download it afterwards, and it'll be on Listen Again for a week as well.
So yeah, those of you who came to the Local Boys Done Good edition of HOMEWORK will remember we did a show all about our hometowns. Well, guess what? If you missed it or just forgot it or loved it so much that you want to be locked in a cell with it projected onto your clammy delighted face 24-7 then fortune has shined upon you, friend, because it's up on Youtube. BOOM:
The more eagle-eyed, beagle-nosed and smeagle-fingered amongst you may have noticed a distinct absence of Tim-ness in this video collection. Well, that's cos when it came to doing my bit I heinously overran, plinking and a-plonking on my uke and waffling, and ended up going to about 23 mins or something insano. I think we all agreed it didn't really work as a conclusion, well-intentioned though it was, so rather than cram it in there, I'm rewriting my section for when we continue to develop the show next year. It'll be all polished up with a brand spanking new ending, extra bits, slicker delivery, and a slightly more aged, paunchier cast. On the plus side, this means we haven't given everything away online, so if you come to see us, you'll find out how it all ends, what it all meant, and hear me playing the ukulele. We're performing it at Norwich Arts Centre on Monday 8th February, so pen that monster in your diaries, yo. Hope you enjoy these flicks. If you do, commenting on them and posting them somewheres else like your blog or your Facebook wall would be a super-helpful indulgence. Gotta spread the word. Peace out.
So, I'm in the midst of a rather pleasant weekend in Liverpool, doing a bunch of gigs at the Bluecoat. On Friday evening, I got to host an evening with Vic Reeves, where we introduced a sold-out crowd to his new book, Vic Reeves' Vast Book Of World Knowledge. As you can probably imagine, I was absolutely essential to keeping the otherwise meek and audience-shy Senor Reeves buoyed up and confident over the course of the show. A well-deserved pat on the back and an egg sarnie for me.
If you're around Liverpool and its environs, Saturday 17th sees me and Ross Sutherland (who I interviewed here) doing our show Infinite Lives, about retreating from the shitty, complicated miasma of real life into the clearly defined score tables and unlimited retries of video games. Also we do poems and some music. It's free, in the Bluecoat bar, so come, get soused, and appreciate us with your massive praise-beaming faces. On Sunday the 18th, me, Ross and Nathan Jones (who I interviewed here) plus a whole host of other musicians and artists are doing a gig at the Bluecoat called Revolutions In Form. There'll be a slew of non-wanky experiments in being interesting and entertaining with spoken word and its many mutant cousins - I can't speak for the other artists, but for my part, I'll be doing a brand new performance poem and a brand new uke piece. Hopefully I won't rot the ears off my audience through sheer incompetence. It starts at 8pm. If you're in Liverpool, come, or I'll silently resent you.
Finally, Issue 9 of Mercy's online magazine Flatline has just come out. Click here to read it. On page 6 you can read a new poem from me - I hate to be a gushy pranny but I love the illustration, done by a chap called Kenn Goodall. I'm proper chuffed with it. I think it's wonderful, and I'm usually a fussy twat. Go have a look, and let me know what you think.
Back at the beginning of 2007, the Onion AV Club's Nathan Rabin coined the term 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl', to describe the archetype represented by Kirsten Dunst's character in the movie Elizabethtown: 'Dunst embodies a character type I like to call The Manic Pixie Dream Girl (see Natalie Portman in Garden State for another prime example). The Manic Pixie Dream Girl exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.'
In the AV Club's follow-up article listing 16 films featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls, they write: 'the Manic Pixie Dream Girl archetype is largely defined by secondary status and lack of an inner life. She's on hand to lift a gloomy male protagonist out of the doldrums, not to pursue her own happiness.'
So the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a chauvinistic confection invented by sad sack late-twenties/early-thirties screenwriters pining for some chipper, twinkle-eyed fitty to come airlift them out of their self-brewed mires of despondency, thus sparing them the uncomfortable effort of personal responsibility - a sexy, naughty Mary Poppins to their bawling menchildren (is that the correct plural of 'manchild'? I'm never sure).
A sexist fantasy whose only purpose is to please a 'brooding arty loser' with mild depressive tendencies? Hmm... Sounds like my type of girl! But I'm inclined to agree with the Onion AV Club that the ladies who most embody the classic conception of this archetype are crappy, and not hot at all. As Jessica at Jezebel put it: 'Honestly? Anyone who telegraphs their so-called weirdness so outlandishly is not actually weird, they're merely quirky enough to be vaguely interesting without having their own thing going on. They're completely mainstream but have one really big tattoo, or occasionally sing really loud in the shower!' Amen, sister.
I'd like to reclaim the term. After years of wondering whether I have a 'type' and drawing a blank, I think I've cracked it. I like weird girls. Not 'weird' in the 'look-at-me-aren't-I-alternative' sense flagged by Jezebel above - to me, a shit dress sense and a clutch of ill-judged facial piercings, or a shrieking, ear-splintering laugh on a hair-trigger just suggest an unfortunate yearning for attention. I mean 'weird' as in 'a bit poorly in the head'. I don't mean 'mental' as in 'one time I spat off a bridge'. I mean 'mental' as in 'one time I jumped off a bridge'.
I'm not after some superficial ditz who can affect a kind of glorious infatuation with the state of being alive just because she's pretty and middle class and living in the decadent West while all over the world children die of disease, war and starvation. I want a girl who'll punch me, and mean it.
Basically I want the Ghost Of Christmas Present out of Scrooged (about 1:35):
That's my kind of Manic Pixie Dream Girl - a kind of unpredictable screaming id-dervish. Also, that bit where she chins him with the toaster (just after 2:00) is hot.
That might seem a bit fucked-up and gross but isn't that how all lovey-dovey couples look to outsiders? Isn't there a reason why we describe people as being 'madly' in love? And so many of us, we get stung and we get stung and we get stung - worse than stung, we get fucking eviscerated on the serrated horns of this huge, snorting love beast and yet, as soon as we've patched up the hole in our chest, we take up our spears and we head out hunting again. In spite of all our experience, in spite of everything we've learned, in spite of our certain knowledge that anyone we come to care about will be taken from us, if not by acrimonious divorce or apathetic abandonment then by death, to which we are all subject, in spite of all of that, we still choose to make ourselves vulnerable, and love. If that's not mental illness of the fiercest stripe, I don't know what is.
Manic Pixie Dream Girl When you’re in love Everything is a message From the sun beaming brilliant and bronze in the sky To the wind through a cornfield A woodpigeon’s cry The world seems exotic, so complex and new All the bands on the radio sing just for you
When you’re insane Everything is a message From the fluorescent runes that dissolve at your touch To the backwards Latin whispers Rising out of your crotch Amor et melle et felle est fecundissmismus The world seems exotic, so complex and new All the bands on the radio sing orders to assassinate Delia Smith just for you
Manic Pixie Dream Girl For so long I’ve felt you approaching Like the low thrum of a zeppelin fleet Shadows rolling over the city of my heart To a stark snare drumbeat
Magical Schizoid Munchkin Chick You are the ripples in my water glass The blips on my motion sensor My seismograph’s spazzing needle And as the printout settles in slow, pleated cascades on the floor I know you’re coming You’re coming You’re coming
Floridly Psychotic Faery Queen So horridly erotic! Where the hell have you been? Paranoid Delusional Frenetic Elf Strumpet O Ludicrous Hyperkinetic Gelfling Crumpet!
After we’ve kissed, I’ll just ask you to hold me And I know you exist... cos the microwave told me See troubles we had then were just teething pains Lovers and madmen have such seething brains
Let’s have slow hugs and highwire fucks Chase butterflies off viaducts Then plug our bums with jelly tots And ride on roofs of fire trucks To burning buildings where We’ll make out while the flames lick higher, sucks For all those people trapped inside Life’s tough So let’s just try our luck
Till my fingers stink like sprats in brine And your breath pongs of Cheetos Let’s tie the knot in Vegas Amongst brothels, bars and freakshows With a bridal veil of tinfoil And a skinful of Mojitos We got peckers made of marzipan... But you don’t have to eat those
O I know your looks have faded And my gut’s a little flabby And your knives are rubber-bladed Just in case you’re feeling stabby So you keep the windows shaded And a close eye on the tabby When the aliens invaded He was singing in Punjabi
Go wild baby! Hump that marrow! You can be the devil’s child And I’ll be Mia Farrow Cos giving birth to you my dear Would be such sweet sweet sorrow Look! I can see her head! Oooh! That’s gonna hurt tomorrow!
I’ll freestyle like a gabba star While we smile in the abattoir Snog to blood-drenched bleats and yelps You don’t have to be mad to wank here – But it helps!
And we won’t agree on everything I mean We can’t both be Jesus, now can we? But I forgive you
Cos I love your blokish gobbing Though I watch you through my fingers And your choked, staccato sobbing While receiving cunnilingus I need ice to rest my knob in But the fire inside still lingers These sweet feelings aren’t like bees, Please see, they won’t die if they sting us
What’s crazier than love In all this shit and piss and pain? Where magic’s just another Drab disorder of the brain
I know we shouldn’t even start I know one day you’ll break my hand Accidentally Sort of And what do I need both eyes for anyway? You can’t judge depth just by looking
They say truth’s beauty. Absurd! So screw sanity! We’ll go down like the Hindenburg – o the humanity! Waking life was always crappy So I s’pose I must be dreaming My friends ask me: Are you happy? But I can’t hear for all the screaming
Want me to blend in? Hand me the blender! Let’s all go on a normality bender! Okay, okay, me first. Here’s my impression of a normal person: Yeah, it’s been chaos round ours, as per. Washing machine broke down again. Ford Galaxy broke down again. Gloria broke down again. Third time in a month. Third time in a fortnight. Third time since Pilates. Flooded the utility room. Leaked oil all over the pea shingle. Pissed the ethnic rug. Called out the plumber, The mechanic, The brain mender, You know what was wrong? Little washer, Valve Wedding ring Only that big. Costs about 50p. Costs about 50p. Cost about three grand and a week in Kefalonia. Hate to think how much we’ve spent on repairs A hundred? Thousand? 15 years of grim-faced stoicism? Gets to the stage where you think, is it worth it? Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
If adventure’s changing channels, Lazy nights on the settee, And they say I’m fucking crazy – I say crazy’s fucking me If a brand new set of flannels’ Your idea of being free Then I may be fucking crazy Maybe crazy’s fucking me O sweet crazy, you amaze me I’d forgotten how to see And of course I’m fucking crazy Because crazy’s fucking me Grind the mountains down to gravel, Burn the woods and boil the sea Cos it’s true, I’m fucking crazy, Yeah, but crazy’s fucking me
Masquerade ‘He goes by many names – Loki, God of mischief, Mara, the deceiver. In the dark arts of misdirection and illusion He is peerless,’ Says Cecil. I am looking at a green electricity junction box Concreted into the ground. Cecil senses my confusion.
Little Gods Strange, omniscient Maxine watches A couple conceive on the backseat of a Yatsuki Gremlin Listens to the creak of leather upholstery and ancient suspension And the hushed whoosh of a snowstorm raging outside the car While, seventy years later, Their great grandson thumbs cartridges like little lipsticks Into a magazine Puts the muzzle to his throbbing temple And waits for the 12:15 To crescendo past his pokey tenement Muffling the shot
She could save him Make the trigger stick Delay the train till he loses his nerve Clanking the handgun down on the folding table Then slinking back to his foldout bed She could miracle the cartridges to Pez bricks Even Lazarus his dead boyfriend Back out of the grave mouth, Dewormed and panting bashful apologies But the fact is, She likes symmetry
When the bullet ruptures His brain’s pleasure centre She sees his ancestor hit orgasm And a nodding dog on the car’s parcel shelf Bops its head in mute approval
It’s not my place to judge I’m just a facilitator
Pablo likes to be capricious I write this in His notes He appears to one of His most ardent followers As a kind of gubbling blancmange O loyal subject, the blancmange intones, Ask of Me a boon, that I may grant it. The follower prostrates, and requests wisdom. No, says Pablo, and vanishes in a blast of flatulence. ‘That was an interesting exchange,’ I say, Inhaling through my teeth. ‘Let’s talk about what happened there. Why did You refuse?’ But Pablo is busy appearing in the splatter pattern Of a high-strung spinster’s dropped porridge; She drags a neighbour round to see By which time The image has changed to buttocks. 'I don't know,' He says. 'Because it was funny?'
I facepalm at Anton’s lack of originality But can’t say Christ alive, human beings I can understand – in Your own image and all that – But could You not imagine A world without Rice Krispies? Instead, I try: ‘I notice You’ve filled Your realm with lots of familiar things. Is that a comfort to You?’ He shrugs. He is watching A repeat of Leave It To Beaver on three million sets.
Rupert removes the top of a chap’s head Like a boiled egg During a wedding reception. Nanase’s world is all dogs being sick. Dogs being sick, I jot.
Heinrich has created an impossible ice planet With a flaming core And no people. He spends aeons Melting elaborate catacombs Into the huge spherical glacier. When, at last, He blows into it, The orb shivers with one terrible note.
My first book, We Can't All Be Astronauts, is out now from Ebury Press. Buy it here.
About the Author
Tim Clare is a writer, stand-up poet and musician. His autobiographical book about having one last shot at your dreams, We Can’t All Be Astronauts, won Best Biography/Memoir at the East Anglian Book Awards 2009. It is out now from Ebury Press. He has written for the Guardian, the Times and the Independent, and has appeared on BBC2, Radio 1, 2, 4 and 6. In 2005 he presented the Channel 4 series ‘How To Get A Book Deal’. He is a regular performer at many festivals including Glastonbury, Leeds and Reading, and Latitude. To get We Can’t All Be Astronauts click here. To check out his latest gig schedule, click here. To get in touch, drop him a line at: joshureplied[at]yahoo[dot]co[dot]uk
Hello! Goodness me, I've been busy as a bee, moving cities back to Norwich, weathering minor psychic catastrophes and beavering away on the script for my FIRST EVER solo show. Yes. Like a grotesque bee-beaver hybrid, lying on its flank, its useless wings quivering, a rasp issuing from its misshapen, bucked-toothed maw... kill me... I was not meant to be... That's me.
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