Pre-Emptive Commission #1 - Andrew Motion

Dear Andrew Motion’s agent,
I am writing to offer my services as the new Andrew Motion Laureate. For just £500 per annum, I will compose poems in response to every major Andrew Motion event. Here is my first poem, in honour of the poet, Andrew Motion.

Ode To Andrew Motion
Andrew Motion
O Andrew Motion
You damnable fucktard
Take the plums out your mouth
And pull the stick out your arse
And if
As you wrench it loose
That stick’s excrement-smeared tip
Should graze a wall
Why, that single ochre smear
Would be a greater gift to culture
Than your whole career

Cry your jealous rivals
Through fits of brackish tears

I enclose an invoice for £50, which I trust you will honour within the next 30 days. I look eagerly forward to working with you.

Yours sincerely,

TIM CLARE

Tiny Art Director

(via Metafilter)
My favourite website, the community blog Metafilter, has yet again led me to something great online that really cheered me up. Tiny Art Director is a blog where Bill Zeman's little daughter requests pictures, which he then draws for her. Each picture is accompanied by a description of the brief, and the Tiny Art Director's response. She nearly always hates them. Here, for instance, is her reaction to the commission the picture of crocodiles:

The Brief: Crocodiles
Preliminary Sketch (no longer extant): Upon seeing the preliminary sketch, the art director, in a rather unprofessional outburst, collapsed on the floor sobbing and screaming.
The Critique: The back is so so so bad I don't even want to look at it! You always do that to the crocodile's back!
Job Status: Rejected and Destroyed

The Tiny Art Director has some favoured themes - dinosaurs feature heavily - but her true talent as a visionary is made manifest in what I believe to be the high watermark of all Western culture: the Poo-Poo Airplane.

Her commissions have been collected into a book, which is available via the blog - perfect for the discerning aesthete's coffee table or nursery.